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Thursday, 23 October 2014 00:00

Diwali How-To

Written by
Braving the leftists Braving the leftists

You've sold your ancestral property to buy those darn expensive crackers. You've taken the garbage out of your house (#SwachhBharat) and have promptly dumped it in front of your neighbour's. You've braved the socio-moral-police

on noise by telling them (on their face) that it's the blood rush that keeps us alive; also told your preachy friend that your crackers wont produce any more pollution than his dad's shiny SUV.
You recheck the hydro-bomb labels to make sure it's not made in China ...or Bengal.


You're all set to go bursting 'em bad boys. You've told your dad that you may or may not return home today, but he'll be a proud father henceforth. But hold on tiger..
How can Diwali be complete without some Do's and Don'ts? Take this:

1) Share the crackers you greedy slob. You see a poor kid watching from a distance - offer them to join you. No harm giving it to Polly tonight.

2) Go to open spaces. Far from hospitals, parking lots, roads. Stay away from trees, you might injure the birds. Don't scare /hurt the animals that might be on the streets (cows, dogs, dogzillas).
In fact if you see anyone doing so, feel free to ̶s̶l̶a̶p̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶h̶a̶r̶d̶ ̶ .... ̶t̶e̶l̶l̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶m̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶ ̶k̶n̶o̶w̶ ̶w̶h̶e̶r̶e̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶y̶ ̶l̶i̶v̶e̶ ... tell them it's wrong.

4) Keep water/ first aid handy. assume y̶o̶u̶r̶ ̶d̶u̶m̶b̶ ̶b̶r̶o̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ .. you will need them

5) Don't do anything stupid in front of young kids. They learn from you. For a change, supervise them like a responsible adult. If you're a parent, today would be a good day to watch that tantrum-prone fat kid of yours.

6) Switch to light-producing crackers, sometime after 10. Don't let yourself or anyone be noisy too late in the night.
Perhaps it's time to go check on that yummy Kheer your mommy made?
(p.s. not for kids in hostel. The kheer in your hostel mess is water-thin, it's tasteless and it's practically inedible.. much like everything else in there. You sir, can continue bursting crackers in your revenge against this cold cruel world)

7) Clean up after yourselves (yeah like you will) or at least try to dispose off the plasticy waste(ok, seriously).

8) Above all enjoy it. It's supposed to be fun time not a stunt test (so don't do stupid stupid stuff with crackers. Light them, stand away, stay safe).

Go on now then! have a crackling Deepawali to yourselves.

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